I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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