I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
