I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
