We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
