Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
