He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
