youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
