He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
