and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
