Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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