I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
