Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I think my fart just growled at me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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