and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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