so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
