made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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