I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize