Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
