It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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