between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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