dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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