My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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