When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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