my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
