We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
