last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
you never un-have a 4some
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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