I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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