so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
