If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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