i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
