can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
