i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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