THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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