So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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