So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
