We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Randomize
