well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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