phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
