Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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