what day is it and did you see me today?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we're so committed to being not committed
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize