Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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