got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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