if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
