dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I want is dick and wine.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
