my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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