Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
