Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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