So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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