Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
