The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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