I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
