My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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