He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
