turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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