Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
