Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
