The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
