got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
