There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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